It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
