I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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