Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I will die if light touches me.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
