I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
