I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
