The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
