I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Never underestimate the power of titties
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
