I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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