Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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