made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
