so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
