final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
