summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
