Where is the hickey?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
