There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
