I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
