So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
