I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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