Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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