You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
