I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
