is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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