The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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