she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize