Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize