Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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