haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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