Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
