After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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