I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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