You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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