my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
