God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
