just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
