I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
