I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
