I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
