If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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