remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
