Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
