I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
love makes seman taste better
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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