I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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