im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I want a musical about memes.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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