You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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