Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
