Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
