I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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