Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
