Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
