my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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