somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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