My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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