if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
