When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
do herpes really smell.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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