The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
