He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
