i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
